the story of the tiniest pumpkin

it had to have been at least four or five years ago. B and i were enjoying a crisp, fall weekend at home. we had just eaten a meal and were cleaning up the kitchen when i spotted a truck pulling a trailer down the street. the trailer was loaded down with hay bales, pumpkins, and adorable boy scouts selling said pumpkins for a troop fundraiser. they stopped on our block as neighbors wandered out of their homes to peruse the merchandise. being that i was elbow deep in a sink full of dishes, i begged B to “pleeeeaaaase go outside and buy me a pumpkin!” by my recollection, he resisted but another pleading “pleeeeeaaaase” later and he was out the door.

he returned a few minutes later. i was still standing at the sink as he sauntered into the kitchen and excitedly exclaimed, “look Nat, i bought you a pumpkin!” i turned around to see B, my pumpkin hero, pumpkin fetcher extraordinaire, holding the tiniest pumpkin i had ever seen. it was so tiny that he was holding it by the stem with only two fingers. and the best part…he was grinning ear to ear. i lost it. i laughed until tears streamed down my face. B was kind of perplexed, but i found the whole thing hilarious. not to mention incredibly endearing. you see, i sent him out there hoping he would buy me a puuuuumpkin. a hefty one. a plump one. one that must be cradled with two hands from the bottom. a pumpkin so large that neighborhood kids would deem it worthy of smashing when they spotted it sitting on the porch next to my yellow mums. i received no such pumpkin. turns out, B got all the way outside before he realized that he had exactly one dollar in his wallet and the tiniest pumpkin known to mankind is all that one dollar would buy. so i accepted my prize pumpkin with a hug and a kiss and happily set it on the windowsill in the kitchen (yes, it was small enough to sit on the windowsill) and every time i saw it, i smiled, giggled to myself, and thought of my B.

i don’t know what it was about that particular scenario, but the events of that perfect fall day remain etched into my memory. i think it must have been the look of ornery pride on his face as his huge hands dangled that tiny pumpkin in the air. whatever it was, it delighted me. every year since, i purchase a tiny pumpkin and place it where i can see it everyday. it is a nice reminder to treasure the little things in life. and it always makes me think of my biggest treasure too….the tall dude who started my favorite fall tradition with just a dollar and a sense of humor.

last year’s pumpkin:

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this year’s pumpkin:


happiness is…the little things.

a near perfect weekend

ohhhhhh Monday. i can’t decide whether i hate you more or less after a super fun weekend. i woke up this morning still thinking about what a great time i had, which made me even more bummed to realize it was over. maybe it’s like the weekend version of…’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. or something like that.

in my not-so-humble opinion, one should always take into consideration two things when crafting the perfect weekend…entertainment and food.


our weekend rocked- literally. on Saturday night, B took me to see one of my favorite bands, The Gaslight Anthem, play at the Warehouse Live in Downtown. well actually, i told him he was taking me. i bought the tickets, made all the arrangements, and kind of just drug him along. but he obliged. it’s one of the funny things about our relationship. B is more comfortable in a suit at the symphony and i am more comfortable in studded boots at a rock concert. i snuck a glance at him every now and then during the show just to check in. he looked a little out of his element and i could tell the music was too loud for him based on his furrowed brow, but as soon as he caught me looking at him, he broke into a huge smile as if to prove he was having the time of his life. it was very cute and made me wish i had brought him some earplugs. the show was fantastic, the venue was cool, and B just seemed grateful that i didn’t make us stand on the floor near the mosh pit. (i told him there would be one and he didn’t believe me!) the opening band was a little more rowdy and i made sure to point out where i used to stand ten years ago. you know, just so he could appreciate how far i have come. i’m like, a grown-up now or something.

also on the entertainment front…we squeezed in some much-needed couch time and caught up on a few shows. can i get a fist bump for the season premier of The Walking Dead? whaaaaaat?! it was insane! and i think Carol has now surpassed Michonne as Queen Bad A** of the Zombie Apocalypse.


we also ate some killer food this weekend. before the concert, we went to Max’s Wine Dive for dinner. it’s exactly what it sounds like. kind of upscale dive bar food and an excellent wine list. delish! i also made homemade pizza because what’s couch time for if not to eat pizza? AND i made my first batch of pumpkin bread of the fall season. fall is weird here by the way. weird in that it is totally perfect. everything is green, temps in the mid eighties, and most days are glorious. i’ll take it!

so, when i told B this morning that i was going to write about my ‘near perfect weekend’ he scoffed and said, “near perfect? why near?” turns out, the only thing that i didn’t get to do that i wanted to do was go running around Rice University on Saturday morning because of rain. (why do the not-so-glorious days always fall on Saturday?!) but that’s it. so really, i have nothing to complain about. but you may be wondering…what’s with all the details and the drama? it was just a weekend, Nat! well this might surprise you, but i feel the need to really celebrate the great ones because not every weekend is a super fun weekend for first year medical students. or med student wives for that matter. ha! B is now ramping up for another round of tests in a few weeks so he will spend the next couple of weekends locked in the office as i slide plates of food under the door. kidding. kind of. but i am proud of his hard work because he’s a responsible grown-up now too, you know.

speaking of grown-ups, i laughed to myself several times over the weekend because of how much life has changed. for instance- i still enjoy a rowdy rock show, but now i choose to enjoy it from the back of the crowd in order to avoid bodily injury. BUT after four hours of standing, both of us had a backache…bodily injury without the moshing! just admitting that to you makes me feel ancient. also, we still veg out on the couch for our favorite shows but instead of crashing at 1am, our eyelids are heavy by 10pm. oh, and 8am is now considered ‘sleeping in.’ i never in all my daaaaaays… oh well, i guess it has to happen sometime. i laugh to keep from crying.

happiness is…a rad weekend.

and now…pictorial documentation of it’s rad-ness!

my concert look.


date night selfies are a must. B disagrees, but i generally win.


yes waiter, we’ll take everything fried please. fried chicken for B, fish and chips for me.


cheers! and now i need personalized wine glasses.


the where.


the what.


throw up your rock fist!



so um…my pumpkin bread was incredibly beautiful when i pulled it out of the oven and i meant to take a pic. but then we did a little stress eating after The Walking Dead and *might* have eaten some more for breakfast. 24 hours later and this is all that remains. told ya, weekends are all about the food around here.


*let me know if you would be interested in the recipe and maybe i can do that in a separate post. it tastes very similar Starbucks pumpkin bread. divine! maybe i will have just one more piece today…








full circle

i sat down at the computer about 9am after dropping B off at school. my intentions were to check facebook and quickly send a couple of emails…basically just occupy myself long enough to drink one more cup of coffee before heading to the gym.

it’s now noon.

three cups of coffee later and i am still here…writing in full gym attire (double knotted shoelaces and everything) and sans makeup because i got distracted before i even finished getting ready. yes, i put on makeup to go to the gym. i’m *that* girl.

just call me Alice. i have fallen down the rabbit hole once again. and it’s lovely. alllllways so lovely to get a little lost in wonderland. and it all started with this darn blog. you see, i am planning a major blog overhaul. (stay tuned!) i am purchasing a hosting plan, transferring data, and have hired a web designer to make it pretty and do all the things i’m too dumb to figure out. which coincidentally, is a lot. anyways, i am so paranoid about losing all of my material that i started backing up each and every blog post (all 65 of them) in individual files as well. so instead of running on the treadmill like a good girl, i spent the entire morning walking down memory lane. which is just as exhausting, i assure you. i relived the emotional turmoil i felt over turning thirty, the joyful birth of my perfect niece, and the sadness over the sale of our home. i meticulously copied and pasted the events of my own life, chapter by chapter, until i finally arrived at October of last year. that’s when i found this…

road trip randomness

at the time, i did not tell you where we went. i did not tell you why we went there.

but i will now.

we went to Houston. we went there for B’s first medical school interview.

full circle, my friends.

now here i sit, in October of 2014, writing this post from my new home…HOUSTON. the place we excitedly chattered about the entire way home on our cross-Texas road trip one year ago. we discussed how exciting it would be to live in the bustling medical center. what it might be like to take the metro. to live near the water and still be able to swim outside in October. something just felt so right about Houston.

i wish it didn’t take reading my own words from a year ago to be reminded of the extraordinary gift that we have been given. i should leap out of bed every morning with the realization that we hoped and prayed for something so huge and we got it. amazing, right? but as i attempt to adjust to what feels like an entirely different life, i get uncomfortable and i do forget. what a shame. B is busy doing his med school thing, and i am still floundering a bit. but that’s okay. i am much better at floundering than he is. really, i could be a professional flounder-er. (what does that pay, i wonder?) i love this city, but have yet to find my place in it. but as i spent the morning reflecting on the last 12 months, there is no doubt in my mind that B is exactly where he needs to be. which means that we are exactly where we need to be. today, i just needed the reminder.

happiness is…a trip down memory lane.

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weekly lineup

B’s weekly lineup:

M:  Gross Anatomy Exam and Practical

T:  Histology Exam


Th:  Biochemistry Exam

F:  Developmental Anatomy Exam

Nat’s weekly lineup:

M:  The Voice & The Blacklist

T:  to be determined…

W:  Survivor & Modern Family

Th:  The Biggest Loser

F:  Date Night! (after B’s exams anyway)


*sigh* i know what you’re thinking…what the heck am i going to do on Tuesday?!

oh, what’s that you say? you were feeling bad for B? you are so nice. but let’s get back to me…

the funny (or sad) thing is that when we moved here, i made a strong case against getting cable. i didn’t want to pay for it and we had just moved to Houston…there’s a million things to do here! and besides, i always assumed that people who don’t have cable spend their evenings doing intelligent and sophisticated things. like, drinking red wine and playing chess. or reading War and Peace in a leather wingback by the fire. cable was holding me back, man! however, B (the fella with zero time for television) made a strong case for cable and i relented. something about soccer/football/sports-he-no-longer-has-time-to-watch. so, just because i’m a good wife and just because B’s week is kind of a doozy, i’ll go ahead and say it…

“you were right honey. i’m very glad we got cable.”

so instead of chess and Tolstoy, i’ll spend my evenings curled up on the sofa, whilst wearing yoga pants, and watching reality tv. because that’s the kind of girl i am. but there will be red wine.

happiness is…a new season.

PS. what are you watching this week? anything you’re super excited about?

PPS. this is my first time ever watching The Voice. gotta support my girl Gwen Stefani. i’ve been #TeamGwen since 1995 when i begged my parents for a pair of Doc Martins and danced alone in my bedroom to “I’m Just a Girl” and “Spiderwebs.” ahhhh, the nostalgia is palpable.

PPPS. because i have a special place in my heart for Batman, i’m also thinking about watching Gotham. but that makes three shows on Monday! overkill? maybe. unless, i record Blacklist and watch it with B on the weekend. then it’s just two shows. problem solved! setting the DVR now…

rainy day musings

the thunder booms overhead and the rain gently trickles down the windows. the stormy morning casts an eerie glow into the quiet office, drawing me in. my green leather chair beckons to me, begs me to occupy it. my fingers tingle, yearning to find meaning and wisdom in keystrokes. i sit down, take a sip of steaming hot coffee, link my fingers together and push my arms away from my body in a graceful pre-writing stretch…and i begin. ’tis the perfect day for writing.


ugh. the worst! i don’t even think it’s writer’s block, per say. maybe writer’s slump? or bump? grump? see?! i can’t even find the accurate word for it, only rhymes. hey, maybe i’ll become a poet. yeah, that’s right! because poetry doesn’t necessarily have to make sense. remember in freshman English when we had to analyze poems? then everyone would talk about it and then argue about it because we all thought our own interpretations were deep and affirming but then the teacher would say that we were all correct because poetry means different things to different people and then you lost a little respect for poetry due to your need to be right and in turn became angry with your friends for having shallow ideas and made an inner vow never to speak to them again. until lunch. because who are you gonna talk to at lunch if not your shallow friends, you know?

raise your hand if you would be interested in reading my poetry were i to write any. tap. tap. you there?

seems i should stick with blogging.

i think the actual culprit is simply this: TIME. when i don’t have enough of it, i have a million things to write about. when i have too much of it, i’m at a loss for words. maybe it’s the writer’s version of grass is greener? anyways, though life still feels a little strange these days, i am taking full advantage of all this newfound free time. i have yet to feel lonely…i actually quite enjoy hanging out with myself. i think i’m rad. but i have struggled with boredom a bit. so, i started making it a point to plan small daily adventures…yesterday it was IKEA (always an adventure) and today, it’s a museum. i have loved reading by the pool (when it’s not raining), working on our cozy little condo, and baking yummies for B (and me). all of this extra time has also allowed for reflection and i’m nothing if not a reflector. i think i am finally mastering learning the art of contentedness. i’m trying to be still and find peace in the moment. but maybe most importantly, i am giving myself more grace. my expectations were totally unrealistic and i understand that now. we moved, started a life-changing journey, and i thought i could figure it all out…in less than eight weeks. laughable, i know. life has many seasons and i believe there is a specific purpose to this one. although my world feels very small, every day it is up to me to fill it with only good things.

as far as the point of this post…i have no idea. maybe to tell you that i’m still happy and weird? and still redheaded but less so? (i miss my colorist.) and life is good? and rain makes me introspective…? whatever it is, i just couldn’t let the perfect writing day go to waste.

i guess i had a few things to say after all. thanks for listening. xo.

happiness is…a rainy day.



let’s eat!

i *think* i’m finally ready to share some pics of our new digs. it’s far from perfect and there are still several little projects i want to do, but that’s the beauty of creating a home. it’s a work in progress, continually morphing to fit the needs (that’s B) and whims (that’s me) of it’s occupants.

i’m starting with my favorite space…the dining room, of course! i love the dining room for several reasons:

  1. we eat there. i’m a big fan of that.
  2. it’s the one time during the day when B and i give each other our undivided attention. we sit down, slow down, look each other in the eye, and have meaningful conversations.
  3. my new furniture!

i have had my eye on this table for quite a while. well, ever since the whole we’re-moving-to-Kansas City-to-live-in-a-loft debacle of 2014. it just seemed perfect for loft living. turns out, it’s pretty perfect here too.



ain’t she pretty? i’m in love.

since the table is reclaimed wood and iron, i didn’t know what kind of chair to get. upholstered? love em, but they get so dirty. and i would want them in white, of course. metal? the metal chairs were too shiny and took away from the rusted look of the iron. B could see where this was going (a.k.a. Nat buys a table and we can’t sit at it for an entire year until she combs the globe to find the perfect chairs) and so he stepped in and picked these. i was a little uncertain…until they arrived.


i was concerned the wood would (ha!) not match being that the table was reclaimed wood, but they’re perfect. (way to go B!) we chose the ‘burnt oak’ finish so they have enough of a grayish tint to them to compliment the deep grayish wood of the table.

to soften the look (and our butts), we went ahead and ordered the linen cushions in ‘sand’. but don’t fret, i already scotchguarded the heck outta them. Lola loves them just as much as we do. seriously, she hasn’t left the dining room in two weeks.


and how cute are these little ties?


overall, i am very happy with our new little dining space. at some point, the blue walls gotta go. they aren’t horribly offensive, but i don’t love ‘em. the living room (which opens to the dining space) is khaki and i’ll probably carry that color throughout. the room also has great light due to the two massive windows and that makes me oh-so-happy. flowy linen curtains would look lovely and allow me to take down those darn blinds and still have some privacy…but that can wait. this stuff has a tendency to snowball, you know? give me a little creative leniency and a budget and before you know it, i’ve gutted the room. you laugh, but it wouldn’t be the first time.

well, i gotta go. all this dining room talk made me hungry!

bon appétit! 

table: Restoration Hardware
chairs: Restoration Hardware
cushions: Restoration Hardware
placemats: Pier One
napkins: Pier One (on sale! act fast!)
dishes: Target
glasses: World Market

PS. can i just say that i want to LIVE in Restoration Hardware? not just shop there, or spend a lot of time there, i want to liiiiive there. i’m certain my writing would vastly improve seated at one of their gorgeous desks. my sleep would be divine on an oversized leather sofa. and if i ever got hungry, i would only have to venture a couple of doors down for a cupcake at Sprinkles. should i ever run away from home, you know where to find me, B.

happiness is…dinnertime. 

week 3

car convos from Tuesday and Wednesday…

B: “what did you do today?”

N: “oh, you know…i spent my day binge eating and watching Law & Order SVU. you?”

B: “i learned about insert something super complicated here.”

N: “show off.”


you might think i’m being silly, but it’s not that far from the truth. following the long weekend, i found myself kinda mopey on Tuesday and Wednesday.

i guess it’s fair to say that ever since B started medical school, i have been trying to find my way. you see, i left my job when we moved here. which is fine. i anticipated that i might have to, and we planned accordingly. it was the right decision and i am forever grateful for the time that B and i got to spend together before he started school. that time was a gift. i am also grateful to have been available to support him throughout the first few weeks of school. i particularly enjoyed the first two. i felt busy. i shuffled B to and fro, packed lunches, cooked dinner, washed smelly scrubs…basically everything i could think of to get us organized and in a good routine. and miracle of all miracles, i think we are! the two must unstructured people on the planet have found some structure. forced structure maybe, but structure nonetheless. but week three felt different. i looked up from the crazy and noticed it was calm. clothes were clean, no one was starving, B was in a good rhythym…what now? was it time to finally evaluate…me? *gasp* i had a vague awareness that i would have to at some point, but i think i have subconsciously (or maybe very consciously) been avoiding it. i don’t necessarily know why. it’s just that it feels a little uncomfortable. and scary. and overwhelming.

it’s like the contents of our lives were contained in a box. a very pretty box. it was wrapped and labeled and perfectly square. then a couple of kids (masquerading as adults) spent several years shaking it, turning it upside down, and anticipating the day when they could gleefully open it up. that day came…the wrapping paper was ripped to pieces, the lid removed, and the contents of that life dumped onto the floor. a life deconstructed, but somehow shiny and new and everything they hoped it would be. now that life is no longer contained by a box. it’s big and endless and at times, terrifying. everything looks different and feels different outside of the box.

but you know what? after moping (and then feeling guilty about moping), i came to this conclusion…this time is a gift too. i must learn to view it as such. but why is it so hard to be still sometimes? i don’t think i know how. it’s unchartered territory for this gal to navigate. however, as uncomfortable as this time may be, i have decided to enjoy it. (i can hear B breathing a sigh of relief as he reads this. the boy has done nothing but encourage me to write, read, and lay by the pool every day. he’s so nice.) but seriously, this could be the only time in my life in which i have the luxury of time. the ability to slow down and think about what i want. hmmmmmmm. *pondering*

with all of this in mind, let me take you back to week three…Tuesday and Wednesday= mopey. remember? but Thursday, on the other hand, Thursday i rallied. i woke up with a new sense of determination. i ate a healthy breakfast, put on my batman shirt, and kicked my own a** in the gym. cause it’s impossible to be a sissy when you’re wearing a batman shirt, right? it’s a law of fashion or something.

gratuitous gym selfie. you didn’t believe me on the batman shirt, did you? oh, and notice i have the place all to myself…perk to working out mid-day at the student rec center. i am batman.


then on Friday, i cleaned the condo from top to bottom. i have yet to find a more productive therapy. ahhhh, smells good in here.

week three in the books, y’all.. rocky start, but strong finish.

so for now, my days will remain quiet and filled with random adventures. you know i plan to spend many of them writing. and on most days, i will apply for jobs, hustle, and network, but on others- those glorious others- i might spend two hours at the gym and two more by the pool. and every now and then, on a (hopefully infrequent) mopey day, i’ll watch some Law & Order and eat frozen cookie dough. and that’s okay. all of it is okay. because finding yourself is hard. and it takes time. time that i happen to have right now.

i know how B will spend the next four years of his life and now it is up to me to figure out how i want to spend mine. good thing my dear B taught me that it’s never too late.

happiness is…living outside the box.

confessions and obsessions: shoe edition


Sarah Jessica Parker was in Houston last week and i did not go see her. she was doing an event at the Galleria for her new line of shoes, SJP. i told everyone that i missed it because i don’t have the means to buy a pair right now (which, let’s be real…it will be yeeeaaars before i do), but the real reason i did not attend is because i was scared to drive to the Galleria by myself. d*mn you 610. so yes, i missed an opportunity to meet Carrie freaking Bradshaw, my television soul sister (documented here), because of traffic.

my fear runs deep. and now so does my shame.



shoes, of course! so where do unemployed/married to a med student girls go for shoes? Target, i suppose. found these for $35. are they SJP’s? nope. will they do in a pinch? i think so.

target bootie

i’m really loving this trend right now. the open-toe bootie is the perfect way to transition from summer to fall. because we all know that in Houston, my real boots will stay in the box for a while. my UGGS might never see the light of day again. booties are where it’s at, folks.

*oh, and if you are in a position to buy a pair of SJPs, do not walk, RUN! then send me a picture! i won’t even be jealous…well maybe just a little, but i promise to squeal and fawn over them and pretend not to be. or better yet- adorn your fabulous feet with them, invite me somewhere fabulous for cosmopolitans, and i will make a toast to your fabulousness. but only if i can wear my Target shoes.

enter at your own risk:
SJP by Sarah Jessica Parker

happiness is…fabulous feet.

searching for meaning. kind of.


meaningLESS things i did this week:

  • gave myself an at-home mani/pedi. because unemployed.
  • started writing (but never finished) a poem dedicated to my iPhone. autocorrect and i are on the outs. i know what you’re thinking…gosh Nat, you really need to get impaled. EMPLOYED! i meant employed! one full week together and my iPhone feels all stabby. impaled, employed…what’s the diff, eh? autocorrect don’t care.
  • started writing (but never finished) four different blog posts. are you noticing a pattern here?
  • watched Law and Order SVU for the first time ever. is it just me or is that Ice T kinda cute in a…i don’t know, a gritty sort of way?

meaningFUL things i did this week:

  • kept my med student fed and in clean underwear.
  • used my crockpot twice. see above.
  • went to lunch in Rice Village with the cousin of a friend that hooked us up on facebook. follow? more importantly, i think i have a friend y’all.
  • snuggled with my cat what i thought was an appropriate amount. she deemed it excessive.
  • bought The Gaslight Anthem’s new album and tickets to their show in October. oh Houston, you and your many fun things to do…i love ya.
  • sent out some thank you notes. they were on pretty stationary and required a stamp and everything. you know, for the mail.
  • went shopping. maybe not so meaningful to some, but ask any girl and she will insist that it is indeed very, very meaningful. so there.

i figure when the meaningful list is longer than the meaningless list, that means i’m doing alright.

happy friday, friends!

happiness is…a full week and a full heart. 


 “Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s what’s in the middle that counts. So when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.”

-Hope Floats


gosh, i love that movie. is there any on-screen couple cuter than Sandra Bullock and Harry Connick Jr? i think not. well, except for maybe Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in The Proposal. whew, now that’s a tough call. gonna need to ponder that one a while.

but the point is…yes, beginnings are scary. my B started medical school this week. it’s exactly the beginning that we hoped for when we started this journey several years ago and here we are! it’s hard to explain, but sometimes this doesn’t feel like my life. we purposefully planned every miniscule detail required to bring us to this point, and yet sometimes i still look up and wonder how we got here. i’m like that kid on you tube, David after dentist, every day asking, “is this real life?” and i haven’t even been drugged, mind you.

but beginnings are also so exciting. this one in particular has been a whirlwind. so much has happened since we moved to Houston less than a month ago. it took us about a week to settle in, but ever since then we have played non-stop. we have eaten a lot of food. seafood? check. sushi? check. brunch? check. we also visited the museum of fine arts and the zoo, but the events of last week were by far my favorite. we spent the week celebrating B. our family flew in for his white coat ceremony and it was a very special occasion. i keep saying it over and over, but i’m just so proud. so proud that the word ‘proud’ is starting to feel inadequate. then i accompanied him on his med school retreat. it was wonderful and fun and we met lots of great people. it shouldn’t surprise me that the people are so nice here (this is Texas after all), but for a city this big it kinda does. the medical community in particular has made us feel so welcome and there seems to be a true sense of community and camaraderie.

so, this whole thing has officially begun. i guess the middle comes next. i know we will make it count. we will enjoy this journey no matter how hard it may be at times. i have so many hopes for us. i will give that hope a chance to float up….and i know that it will.

happiness is…the middle.

now comes the part in which i inundate you with photos from the last few weeks. enjoy!


i bought a year membership and everything. so happy.


his name is Miles. he loves me.


such a fun date!


my favorite little corner of the condo. more on this later.


Lola approves of the new dining chairs. more on these later too.


my hair loves Houston. Houston does not love my hair. it was fluffy like this for all of 5 minutes.


my attempt at a skyline photo. better luck next time.


best. brunch. ever.


if you ever can’t find me, look here.